My Favorite Addiction
by benzbabidoll
Summary: One-Shot. Suicide involved. R&R. After Ryan leaves, everything Marissa's feeling comes out.


_A little one parter I just put together._

_I don't anything to do with The O.C._

_Lyrics : Sugarcult -Over. _

The burning fills the void of all my problems. I can feel the unpleasant taste make it's way down my throat leaving residue of pain as it marks the spots. I never cared for vodka but the effect made be become it's favourite customer. It's own personal servant. I always come running to it's beck and call, or should I say it runs to mine.

_Everybody's watching you  
Breathing in your every move  
Look around when the world is empty  
Look around if you're guilty_

There was one point where I didn't need this representation of delight because I could run to Ryan. He would save me. He was the delight I found so very pleasant. That slut took him from me, more like lured him into being with her. Now he's back into the slums of hell missing me. He should miss me. He should miss everything about me. All the pain he's causing not just me but his family. Mostly me. He knows I can't live with out an addiction. He knows I'll replace him, but not with another man. Something that I can always rely back too.

Another swig left the familiar burning. The effect was already starting to take place. Jesus, I'm so withdrawn from the shit. I've only buried myself half deep into the clear ocean and I'm already demolished. I prance over to my bed falling in a heap of laughter yet the sharp pain edged under my thigh won't really start to hurt till tomorrow. Nothing will. I lift my leg up and it feels five times heavier than usual. A picture. A picture of Ryan and I. Bastard. Why do I even have to look at him when he's gone? I should be rid of that stupid piece of shit. He's my piece of shit and I love him for it. Well, used to be mine. I hurl the photo against the wall watching the shattering of glass sprawling across my room. Every possible direction. Jesus, even the glass shows how my life can me. Each piece represents my life, something that's gone wrong.

___It's over  
There's nothing you can do  
There's nothing you can say  
To keep me here  
It's over  
You say we're just friends  
Well play and pretend to keep me here_

I'm so broken. There nothing that can repair the damage that has been done. For a girl who's supposed to have the life of a princess, I feel like I'm the kings joker. Or maybe the slave or sex maid. Someone who lives a horrible life. I lay my head down upon the pillow that still smells like Ryan. I take in his scent and wonder what's he doing right now. He's my prince and I didn't even have to kiss a nasty frog. Unless, I guess you count Luke or any of those other boys I've messed around with to try to save my soul. They never did. They never could take me away like he did. I guess if I stayed as a princess like daddy promised, then my prince would still be here. He was my night in shining armour before he became my prince.

_"C'mon Marissa. What would you like for your birthday? A horse like Summer? A cell phone like mommy?_"

_"No daddy, the only thing I want is to become a princess."_

_"Ooh sweetie. You'll already a princess. You've always been." Behind his back, he pulled out a tiara and kissed my forehead as he walked away, leaving his daughter alone in her room to play prince and princess._

I laugh at the memory of when he told me that I was a princess. Jesus. How naive can a five year old be? I looked up at my night stand seeing the tiara there. I placed my hands around it, feeling the diamonds. I snickered again and tossed it into the garbage can laying back down on my bed. Summer always said it was so nice, saying she wished she had one and how I was so lucky to have a good daddy. Her daddy didn't get beat up at her cotillion, did he? Her daddy didn't take money from all of Newport, did he? I had such a great daddy, didn't I? I laughed out loud at that one.

_Every night I lay in bed  
I think about the things you said  
Look around, I'm the one, your only  
Look around it still kills me_

My mom wasn't that much better, she's a gold-digging bitch who's making me live with a old fuck who I can't stand. If it weren't for him maybe, just maybe my mom could be unhappy and alone. Instead I'm living in a castle with the 'gruesome twosome'. Believe me, Sandy wasn't the only one who refered to them as that. Plus, did I mention she had sex with my ex who I lost my virginity too a countless number of times. I thought Teresa was a whore. She still is, she doesn't even know who the father of her baby is. God, they can work on the same corner. I wouldn't of even known about the whole thing if Luke didn't have such a big mouth. Ugh, I hate even thinking about any of them

Summer has had the life I always wanted to live. She had everything. Her parents were there sometimes, enough of the times. She had a boyfriend like me who cared, but apparently took off. Bitch. She deserved it. She said it was my fault. She said I caused it. He wouldn't of left if Ryan wouldn't have gone, and Ryan wouldn't of even fucked Teresa if I wouldn't have been with Oliver. I love how it's my fault. Everything is my fault. Maybe she couldn't please her man. She was a shitty lay. I started to laugh a lot at that. Maybe he realized after years of being a bitch to him he decided to screw her over. Maybe he realized her Mermaid poem was horrible and mine about being a princess was so much better. I hate her. Yet, all of it was my fault.

I started to sway the bottle of vodka back and forth, hearing the swishing sound inside made me calm instantly but there was no sound. The bottle was empty. Fuck. I walked over to my suitcase which wasn't fully unpacked yet. I already had a stash stolen from 'daddies' cabinet. I opened another bottle carefully and started to drink. I inhaled it like it was oxygen. I needed it to breathe. I stumbled onto the balcony starting out at the ocean and the backyard in front of me. The ocean reminded of me of him. Dammit, everything did. He was everywhere. Even in the flowers. I shut my eyes tight and stumbled back inside closing the french doors and walking back to my bed being careful not to step on the glass that was taking up most of the floor. A huge section of it was laying on the bed when I sat down. I took it in my hand and layed it next to me.

My eyes became very dizzy after that. My body trembled and I started to feel everything I hate. All the pain. I was scared. I needed Ryan. Hell, I knew this wasn't the way to handle this. But it was all I had. It was my cheap imitation of Ryan. The only thing that kept me from leaving like him. Except this time it was different. I wanted to go. I wanted out. I wanted away from the pain.

He was my addiction. My addiction became unusable so I had to get a new one. Drinking was only making me think more. Yet, it helped a lot through the last couple hours in a way.

My eyes darted to the glass laying next to me. I didn't need to be here anymore.

_It's over, To keep me here_

I picked up the glass and licked it. Cutting a slice through my tongue. I tasted the blood and laughed. The blood took away the taste of poison that reaped through my throat from earlier. The poison of a clear ocean.

_Doesn't anyone care? _

I took the glass again and slashed it through my skin. The pain inched away at me and I started to cry, tears fumbled down my cheeks.

_It's over  
You say we're just friends  
Well play and pretend to keep me here_

The phone started to ring...but my job wasn't done. Another slash in the opposite wrist had my arms feeling weak. The fading of the room became evident and I dropped the glass onto the floor as it shattered once more. Again, my life was falling to pieces.

_It's over   
There's nothing you can do  
There's nothing you can say  
To keep me here_  
I became lightheaded...

_It's over  
You say we're just friends_

The phone was continued to ring...

_It's almost the end  
I'm outta here  
_

Then it stopped and I looked up. Everything was catching up to me now and I couldn't see straight. I could see enough to notice it was Ryan's cell phone calling me. He wanted to be my favourite addiction one last time before I was gone. Little did he know, he would always be my favourite addiction.

_It's over   
I'm outta here_

Well, Please review. I love to get your feedback.

-Rachel.


End file.
